


The Princess Biotch

by applesaucedinosaur



Category: Life Is Strange (Video Game), Princess Bride (1987), The Princess Bride - William Goldman
Genre: Alternate Universe - Fantasy, Alternate Universe - No Time Travel, Bad men - Freeform, Beasts of all natures and descriptions, Beautifuliest ladies, Brave men, Chases, Coward men, Death, Escapes, F/F, Fencing, Fighting, Gay, Giants, Hate, Hunters, Lies, Miracles, Pain, Passion, Pirates, Poison, Princes & Princesses, Revenge, Snakes, Spiders, Strongest men, Torture, True Love, Truths, Useless Lesbians, crossover?, good men
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-20
Updated: 2018-04-26
Packaged: 2018-10-08 13:15:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,673
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10387461
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/applesaucedinosaur/pseuds/applesaucedinosaur
Summary: It's literally just the Princess Bride but now with 100% more gay and more Life is Strange characters!





	1. The Bride

**Author's Note:**

> Skype dates lead to strange AUs tbh. Thanks, Lyd.

Victoria Chase was raised on a small farm in the country of Arcadia. Her favorite pastimes were riding her horses and tormenting the farm girl that worked there. The farm girl’s name was Max, but Victoria only ever addressed her as “Farm Girl.” Nothing gave her as much pleasure as ordering Max around. “As you wish” was all Max ever said in return. One day Victoria realized that each time Max said “as you wish” she actually meant: “I love you.” Even more amazing than this, was the day Victoria realized that she truly loved her back.

Now, Victoria was one of the fairest maidens in all the land and would be a great prize for whomsoever were to win her heart. This drew the attention of the nearby Count Prescott. Hoping to find a suitable bride for the Prince of the land, Prince Jefferson, he and his wife, the Countess, payed the Chase family a visit under the obvious ruse of wanting to learn the secret of their prize cows(there cows were shit…). While Max shows the Countess how to feed the cows, Victoria is overcome by the fourth worst case of jealousy in history towards the Countess, who is fixated upon Max throughout the entire encounter. Victoria is so consumed by her own sentiments, she is none-the-wiser that she herself has been being fixated upon by the Count.

That night Victoria is unable to catch a wink of sleep and as she tosses and turns, she tries to understand what Max might have seen in the Countess that she herself does not have. Soon, before the sun has yet to break the horizon, Victoria’s jealousy becomes unbearable. Seeing no other option, she bolts from her bed and rushes toward Max’s room. She does not knock timidly by any means.

“What is your problem?!?!” Max screams as she answers her door. Anger evident in her eyes.

“Um...you...spoke?” Victoria said barely over a whisper.

“And you woke me up at four in the morning, Captain Obvious!” Max retorted.

They stared at one another in tense silence for what specifically felt like a year until Victoria finally broke the silence. “I’m in love with you?”

*SLAM*

Victoria looks at the closed door for a moment before returning to her room, utterly confused. She begins to contemplate why Max would have done such a thing. The best scenario she can muster is that Max is too stupid to come up with a good response. This thought does not provide her any comfort and thus she weeps the day away.

That night, Max knocks on Victoria’s door, her bags packed and bearing the news that she is heading to America. Victoria is completely bewildered.

 

After a moment of confusion, Victoria’s face distorts into a scowl. “That biotch is not going to love you for long and she would certainly never be satisfied living with you in America!”

“I do not like the Countess.” Max says with laughter in her voice. Victoria’s expression is back to one of confusion and Max tries her hardest not to bust out in laughter. “You’re so cute when you're jealous.”

“People that slam a door in my face, do not get the privilege to call me cute!” After her bout of anger, her face falls. “Wait… I don’t really mean that. I… know I woke you up, and you hate people doing that but… you’re really leaving?”

Max stares at her feet as if they are are more interesting than anything else around her. After a brief moment of contemplation, Max breaks the distance between the two. They then share a most beautiful good-bye kiss, one that ranks higher than the five kisses that had previously ranked highest in history.

Over the course of the next few weeks, Victoria begins to pay even more attention to her personal appearance, so that when Max returns from her travels, she would still find her beautiful. She is exceedingly happy, in love even, and then her world comes crashing down around her. She learns that her love has been captured and killed by ruthless pirates. She retires to her room without shedding a tear. When she at last emerges, thinner, wiser, sadder, she is finally the prettiest girl in the world.


	2. The Groom, The Courtship, and The Preperations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Let's meet Prince Jeffershit, shall we?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quick note: This is mostly based off of the rewritten version of the book as recounted by William Goldman. Hence why I break the forth wall.

**_Chapter 2: The Groom_ **

 

Now, so as to not bore you, I have kindly decided to exclude the pages upon pages of Arcadian royal history to return you to the plot as quickly as possible.

 

I would like to introduce to you Prince Jeffershi- I mean son, Jefferson, the heir to the throne of Arcadia. Prince Jefferson is quite a giant barrel of a man and walks as though he has crabs. He is a very weak man, but ever narcissistic, constantly attempting to prove that he is indeed a strong man as well as a grand hunter. He goes so far as to build himself a five-level structure in the forest-covered grounds of his kingdom containing the fiercest, fastest, and most frightening animals so that he may hunt them. This he deems the “Zoo of Death.”  The Zoo has five levels going deeper underground, each with a more dangerous kind of animal than the one before. Intentionally, he leaves the fifth level empty, with the hope that he'll someday find something of worth to store within.

 

One evening, as he is in the process of taking the life of a large mammal, the Prince is interrupted by his sidekick and confidante, Count Prescott.

 

“My liege.” Prescott calls, his voice uneven.

 

“What is it, Prescott? What is so important that you had to interrupt my work?” Jefferson spits crossly.

 

“The king. Is due to pass at any time.” Prescott mutters.

 

“Do you know what this means?” Jefferson asks as he approaches his right hand man.

 

“That you will become king, sir?”

 

“Yes, but to do so, I must marry. I must take a beautiful wife!” Jefferson bellows, annoyance clear in his voice, as he stalks out of his Zoo.

 

* * *

 

**_Chapter 3: The Courtship_ **

 

After exiting the Zoo, Prince Jefferson heads to his father’s chambers, with Count Prescott in tow, to discuss the plans for after his passing. He enters to find the king laid in bed with his wife, the Prince’s stepmother, whom the Prince only ever so lovingly addresses as “Step-douche,” sat next to him.

“Mumble de gumble de goo.” The king mutters incoherently from his position on the bed.

 

“He says ‘Hello, son.’” The king’s wife explains.  

Count Prescott quirks an eyebrow questioningly at Prince Jefferson who just waves off the question.

 

“Marsha staba da boosh  qua. Somma doba?” The king mumbled again.

 

“He says ‘We must discuss what you must do after my passing. You know you must take a bride yes?’” The king’s wife yet again translates.

 

“Yes, I know all this, woman!” Prince Jefferson responds.

 

“Jo alihnuc Seatububu, lok more pringles.” The king states, as he has clearly lost the ability to perform basic communication.

 

“‘You must take the Princess of Seattle as your bride so that we may form an alliance with her country and improve the relationship between our countries and put an end to our conflicts to prevent war.’ is what he means.” The wife explains.

 

“How did she-” The Count begins to question.

“That is of least concern right now, Nathan.” Prince Jefferson interrupts Count Prescott. “What is important now is that I must meet with this Princess and make wedding arrangements.”

 

After the encounter, plans are made to invite the Princess of Seattle to Arcadia. She kindly accepts to join Prince Jefferson for a grand feast. Now, this Princess owned an extravagant hat collection. So extravagant, in fact, that the original author of this work included dozens upon dozens of pages describing the tedious packing and subsequent unpacking of her many glorious hats. I am not the original author and I do not have the time nor the patience to go into such great detail. So, to continue the progression of the story, I have chosen not to include this extraneous fluff and just continue onto the next pertinent piece of the plot.

 

The evening with the Princess starts out well enough. (After she finally finishes the unpacking of her god forsaken hats!) The Prince and the Princess get along well. They make merry as they enjoy their meals. Everything goes smoothly and according to plan. Until it does not, that is.

 

The prince kneels to the ground as he takes the Princess of Seattle's hand. He pulls a shiny bronze ring from his pocket to give to the Princess as he asks for her hand in marriage. He looks up at her. Admires her hat as he sees that the Princess is taken aback. She smiles brightly as the Prince begins to speak.

“Will you marry m-” The Prince cuts himself off as a rather strong gust of wind whisks the Princess’ hat away. “WHAT IS THIS? YOU’RE HEAD! IT IS COMPLETELY BARE!” The Prince screams as he is overcome with disgust.

 

The Princess does not take too kindly to his outburst. She scoffs for she is greatly offended by the rudeness and sheer audacity of the Prince. The following proceeding goes about as well as one might think.

 

“I cannot marry a bald woman!” The Prince places great emphasis on ‘bald’ as he scrunches his face in pure disgust. “I must have a beautiful bride to match my bronze!”

 

These words nearly spawn a great war between Arcadia and Seattle, not that the Prince cares for the politics. Luckily no real war breaks out and we are just left with an extremely narcissistic douchebag to eventually govern an entire kingdom.

 

After the horrendous encounter, Count Prescott approaches the Prince to inform him of a woman he believes is beautiful enough to wed Prince Jefferson. The Prince does not enjoy the fact that this woman is not only a peasant, but also a milkmaid from a nearby cow pasture. Following Count Prescott describing the beauty of the woman and deciding he will just have to see her for himself if she really is as magnificent as Prescott paints her to be, the two ride to the girl’s farm.

 

As the pair ride up, they catch a glimpse of Victoria, who is grooming one of her horses. Prince Jefferson knows that she is the woman he must wed. He tells Count Prescott that he will take her for she is too beautiful for him not to. He rides to her side and speaks.

 

“You are going to marry me.” He commands.

 

Victoria glances around a moment with an expression of pure disdain. She could not believe someone would just ride up to her and demand her hand in marriage, especially without even the courtesy of an introduction.

 

“Excuse me. Are you kidding me?” Victoria scoffs.

 

“You will marry me. I am Prince Jefferson. If you tell me no, I will have you killed.” The Prince states matter-of-factly.

 

“Whatthefuckever. Fine.”

 

“Wait. Really?” The Prince asks in disbelief.

  
“Yes. But know this, I shall never love you. My one true love is already dead. And I guess marrying you and having a loveless marriage would be better than dying myself.”

 

“Um… Good. We shall begin the preparations at once!”

 

* * *

 

 **_Chapter 4: The_ ** **_Preparations_ **

 

Nope. Nope. Screw this fucking chapter. Why does this chapter even exist??? No way in hell am I recounting 72 pages worth of satire of Arcadian royal wedding preparations, doctors, and princess training. Vic doesn’t need princess training. She’s already the Queen Biotch! So, from a narrative standpoint, I am omitting this chapter. All you need to know: three years pass. On to the next!

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I planned to upload all the chapters, as they are in the actual book, separately, but they are rather short so this is what you get. Um...thanks for reading. This is all new to me. Just leave a comment and let me know what you think, I guess. Thanks again. Have a wonderful day! :D


	3. Chapter Five: The Announcement

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The people of Arcadia finally meet their soon-to-be Queen!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is over 100 pages long. I can’t say that’s why it took me a literal year to work on it again but… I am back now. I plan to upload this chapter in parts. You may or may not meet a certain fatherless heroin soooooon…

The great square of Arcadia Bay was filled like never before, awaiting the introduction of Prince Jeffershit’s bride-to-be, Princess Victoria of Chase. The crowd began forming some forty hours prior, but up to twenty-four hours before, there were fewer than one thousand. But as the moment of introduction drew nearer still, people journeyed from all across the country. None had yet seen the Princess, but rumors of her beauty were ceaseless, each less possible than the one prior.

At noon, the Prince emerged onto the balcony of his father’s castle and raised his arms. The now all too large crowd, slowly quieted. There had been many rumors spreading that the King was dying, that he was already dead, that he had been long dead, that he was fine.

“My people, my beloveds, from whom we draw our strength, today is a day of greeting. As you have most likely heard, my honored father’s health is failing. He is ninety-seven, so what more may we ask. As you well know, Arcadia needs a male heir.”

The crowd began to stir again-it was to be the lady that they had heard so much about.

“In three months time, our country shall celebrate its five hundredth anniversary. To celebrate that celebration, I shall, on the sundown, take for my wife the Princess Victoria of Chase. You do not yet know her. But you will meet her now,” and he made a sweeping gesture and the balcony doors swung open and Victoria moved out beside him onto the balcony.

And the crowd literally gasped.

The twenty-one-year-old Princess far surpassed the eighteen-year-old mourner. Her figure faults were gone, the too bony elbows having fleshed out nicely; the pudgy wrists could not have been trimmer. Her hair, which was the color of autumn, was still the color of autumn, except before, she tended to it herself, whereas now she had five full-time hairdressers who managed things for her. Her skin, still a wintry cream, but now, with two handmaidens assigned each and every appendage and four for the rest of her body, it actually, in certain lights, seemed to provide her with a gentle glow.

Prince Jefferson took her hand and held it high as the crowd cheered. “That’s enough, mustn’t risk overexposure,” the Prince said and began walking back into the castle.

“They have waited, some of them, so long,” Victoria answered. “I would like to walk among them.”

“We do not walk among commoners unless it is unavoidable,” the Prince stated.

“I have known more than a few commoners in my time. Besides, my adoring public wishes to see me. Can they be blamed?” Victoria said with a smirk. “They will not, I think, hurt me.”

And with that, she left the balcony, reappeared a moment later on the steps of the castle and, quite alone, walked open-armed down into the crowd.

Wherever she went, the people parted for her. She crossed and recrossed the Great Arcadia Square and always, ahead of her, the people swept apart to let her pass. Victoria continued, moving slowly along and smiling, alone, like some kind of messiah.

Most there would never forget that day. None of them, of course, had ever been so close to perfection, and the great majority adored her instantly. There were surely some who withheld judgment as to her quality as a queen. And of course, there were some who found themselves jealous. Very few of them hated her.

And only three were planning to murder her.

Victoria, naturally, knew none of this. She was smiling, and when people wanted to touch her gown, let them, and when they wanted to brush their skin against hers, let them do so as well. She had studied hard to do things royally, and she wanted very much to succeed, so she kept her posture erect and her smile gentle, and that her death was so close would have only made her laugh, if someone had told her.

But-  
-in the farthest corner of the Great Square-  
-in the highest building in the land-  
-deep in the deepest of shadows-  
-the woman in black stood, waiting.

Her boots were black and leather. Her pants black and her shirt. Her mask was black, blacker than a raven. But the blackest of all was her flashing eyes.

Flashing and cruel and deadly…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am finally back with an update. I know its been over a year and I am truly sorry. I hope you enjoyed this update. I plan to upload more to this soon. Thank you so much for reading. Have an awesome day!


End file.
